Hi all,
Lisa and I are delighted to be able to share with you the first of our free guest writers. Drawing on their experience and expertise, we hope that they will give you some insights and advice to help navigate these uncertain times.
Today we are handing over to Dr. Etel Behmuaras.
Etel is a Clinical Psychologist who is registered with The Health Care and Professional Council as well as The British Psychological Society. She runs her own private practice, working with children (0-12 years old) and their parents on emotional issues such as anxiety, depression, self-esteem, family dynamics, divorce, boundaries, terrible 2’s, aggression, sleeping and eating problems. Etel undertakes both assessments and ongoing psychotherapy with children and their parents as well as running psychoeducational workshops about parenting skills in small groups, schools and organisations.
Dear parents,
In these unprecedented times, where it feels like the coronavirus is taking control of our everyday life, not only do we have to stay with the unknown and face lots of uncertainties, we also have to juggle the housework, be with our children and meet their needs 24/7 with almost no external help and run Zoom meetings for our work as well.
These days we might feel like we have a need to control our environment and our children to ease our anxiety. And please realise that if you are raising your voice more than ever, that means you are trying to organise your disorganised life. But unfortunately raising your voice does not help much in the long run.
But this is the moment we need to become flexible, creative and spontaneous. This is the time to become aware of our inner child and work with ourselves. Our primitive defense mechanisms rise up by eating or drinking much more than we need, being more controlling, angry or obsessive, by wishing to withdraw to our cave or yearning to be rescued.
So what do we need to do? We have to listen to ourselves, understand that this is the expression of our anxiety, show compassion and empathy, embrace that 5 year old one inside of us and calm her down by using breathing and relaxation techniques, limiting our exposure to the news, talking to our loved ones and I will urge you to get the support of a professional if necessary.
If we are driven by our anxiety, we cannot understand or help our children. Therefore, it is important to stay calm, nurture ourselves and reframe the situation from a positive perspective. Because the only thing that we have control over is ourselves and our reactions. The rest is a total illusion.
The main reason that I am writing about this issue is because our children might be feeling quite anxious these days as well. This is all new to them. They don’t know when their school will reopen, when and if they will see their friends or grandparents ever again, why they cannot go to the playground or if they will get sick as well. And children absorb our energy and will reflect what they see, hear and feel.
I would ask you to relax for a moment and imagine a time when you were taking a flight. While you were reading your book or watching a movie, all of a sudden, a turbulence started. Your anxiety level increases. And you hear your pilot’s calm voice saying: “We are going through a turbulence for the next 20 minutes due to the weather conditions, please fasten your seat belt and stay seated until we get through this rough patch. I will be back with more information as soon as I have it.” The pilot may not like the turbulence either and she knows the possible dangers more than we do but she regulates herself and focuses on navigating the airplane to the best of her ability. This is a great model of good parenting. That's exactly what our children need from us at this time. They need to see that someone is taking charge calmly, communicating with them openly and providing them the necessary guidance.
As parents, we should be honest and open to talk to them about this virus according to their age level. Children have difficulty staying with the unknown. Trying to hide the reality will only increase their anxiety as they have been hearing about this virus already. This is our chance to share with them the factual information according to their age and set the emotional tone. Children also feel our tension and fear so they are prone to higher anxiety levels. They should be reassured that they can ask any questions to their parents and these questions should be answered factually and accurately. By positively reframing their worries we can explain that doctors are working very hard to find the cure, the majority of the people who got this virus survive, by staying at home, eating healthily and washing their hands regularly they keep themselves and others healthy. Also, the stores which provide their basic needs such as food and medication are always open and they can help the world heal by spending time with their family.
Dear parents, I started my blog focusing on you and want to conclude it emphasising you again. Please make sure to take care of yourselves at least 30 minutes a day by meditating, doing yoga, writing a journal, spending time doing what you love to do or connecting with your loved ones online.
Let’s not forget that if we do not have enough oxygen for ourselves, we cannot provide for our children. We need to self-regulate first, to cope with our own anxiety and tension to be there for our children.
Let’s change our perspective and try to perceive this time as an opportunity to connect with our children.
Stay healthy, stay connected!
For further information you can visit etelbehmuaras.com
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