Dear Lisa and Catherine,
Thanks so much for all your advice and help during the first Lockdown. I really valued reading your weekly. At the moment we are struggling and hope that you will be able to offer us some more words of wisdom.
Our daughter Meera is in Year 3 and has a lovely class with great friends and a fabulous teacher. She has always been a lively, outgoing and friendly little girl who rarely complains. She was so excited when her school reopened in June and she could go back.
However, recently we have noticed a worrying change in our sunny little girl. She has become withdrawn, clingy and generally quite anxious. She wakes up during the night telling us she has had nightmares but can’t remember what they are about.
She is nervous to be left alone and becomes very tearful if she can’t find me immediately.
My friends tell me that I should find a therapist as soon as possible. I know I need to do something but am so nervous to go down the therapy route. What would you advise?
Joanne, thank you so much for allowing us to share your letter. It is often so hard for parents to admit that they are struggling. We are living through strange times, and there is no question that the pandemic is having a huge impact on our young people. Firstly, and most importantly, have a chat with your doctor to make sure there is nothing physical going on. Once you have eliminated that, then as a parent you can begin to feel secure and address the emotional issues surrounding her anxiety. As human beings, we are wired to have certainty in our lives and as parents it is natural for us to want to provide a safe and certain world for our children. It is alright for children to know that things can’t always be fixed, as parents, what we can do is offer reassurance.
So how do we do this?
1. Addressing the Anxiety
Children grow up in a world where they hear the word ‘anxious’ so often but what they might not know is that a level of anxiety is part of our make-up and helps us. According to the NHS, ‘anxiety is a feeling of unease for example worry or fear.’ Talk to Meera about this and just reassure her that everybody feels anxious at some point and that is completely normal.
Discuss the feelings that she is having, ask her to describe them. Prompt her but try to let her use her own words. She may well describe butterflies or feeling a bit sick. Explain to her that anxiety can give you physical or emotional symptoms and that these are normal responses that can help us when for example we are sitting an exam or doing something for the first time. Learning how to manage this anxiety is an important skill that children need to learn.
Acknowledge your own feelings and anxiety especially during these challenging times. Make sure that you have adult support to allow you to voice your own fears. Children can easily pick up on our fears and they will be watching the way we deal with them. Talk to Meera about how you manage your own feelings.
2. Making Sense of the News
Think about what Meera might be hearing. As adults we are immersed in a never-ending flow of news, reports and bulletins, our phones are regularly beeping with breaking news, daily Covid related updates, daily death tolls and related graphs regarding Covid. Our children risk being saturated with too much adult information that they may be unable to process.
Monitor the news that Meera is watching and prompt conversations to discuss it so that you can put it in perspective. We can’t control what happens outside, but we can control the world inside our home and create a safe space. Be aware that your own reactions can affect her too. If you express anger and stress at events that are beyond your control, she will respond in the same way.
Find time to sit together to watch an age-appropriate news bulletin eg CBBC Newsround www.bbc.uk and The Positivity Place the Positivity Place -a great website and resource that links to First News (a newspaper written for a young audience). Watching together will enable you to open these conversations. Don’t forget to look for and highlight the positives such as the development and roll out of the vaccine.
3. Routines
It is proven that a routine is one of the best ways to lessen anxiety. Implementing a structure to your day helps to maintain a sense of control over your own life. In fact, countless studies conclude that predicable repetitive routines are calming and help reduce anxiety. Endless time without structure, meaning or purpose can be damaging for both body and mind. Make sure that Meera has some daily fresh air, regular mealtimes and a relaxing end of the day bedtime routine to help bring some normality to her day to day existence. Try to find a specific time in the day where you can spend quality time with Meera. Watch a movie, do a puzzle, make/bake something or go for a walk. Bedtime is often the time children will choose to talk so try to ensure that you have that time with her. This will all help Meera achieve some sense of control and certainty over her life. End each day on a positive note , take turns to tell each other one good thing that happened in your day. It could even be one delicious thing that you ate! Meera should then be able to go to sleep with something positive at the forefront of her mind.
4. Common Concerns
I miss my grandparents and I’m scared I’ll never see them again
I am worried about getting Covid; I am worried that you might die
Am I going to be able to have a birthday party, some of my friends have playdates, why can’t I?
These are among the common themes that seem to run through many of the letters that we have received. Below are some simple suggestions.
Set up regular zooms with family members and friends; bake online together; online quizzes. Invite important family members to be part of your regular bedtime routine, reading stories together. You could even ask a close family member to help with schoolwork. These are all things that will help Meera feel more connected to her family and friends and can all be done online. These are also opportunities for you to have a short break. Below are some fantastic sites to help.
Adventuresinnanaland.com and Romper.com both fabulous resources to keep in touch with relatives and friends.
5. Building Resilience
This is the buzz word that everybody seems to be striving for. In essence, what it means is having the ability to find the best way to adapt and deal with whatever life throws at us and having the capacity to recover and cope with difficult situations. Challenging times can actually help us develop resilience, so the aim is to empower Meera with skills so that she can help herself.
Sometimes it is hard for children to express what they are feeling so to get those conversations flowing, we love to use the Stress Bucket ( a way of analysing and discussing feelings and what helps to manage them) and Glitter Jar ( to help calm and focus worried minds). Have a look at our website for instructions to make your own. Using these resources will help Meera to organise her own thoughts and feelings and help her verbalise them and put them into a more manageable place.
6. Reassure and Praise
Reassurance and praise are integral to helping us feel positive about ourselves and our children are no different. What we all need is reassurance and comfort whether this be a hug, heartfelt words or just the time spent together. Build Meera up with positive praise to make her feel better about herself. Praise her for little things eg helping you, small chores, doing her school work. When having those important discussions, make sure that she knows how proud you are of her. Making her feel good about herself and giving her a sense of her own importance within your home will increase her confidence.
7. Technology
In lockdown, screens have been the only access to friends and social interaction as well as learning. There are wonderful opportunities for Meera to stay connected with her family and friends. However, this also needs a structure and limits, particularly when it comes to bedtime. If possible, make sure that her bedroom is somewhere she sleeps and relaxes with no technology to distract her. Ideally model this in your own bedtime behaviour.
Finally, we just want to address the recommendations that your friends have for therapy. There is no question that therapy can be the best option when dealing with extreme anxiety, but that doesn’t necessarily need to be your starting point. If having tried some of these strategies, you are still concerned please give us a call and we will put you in touch with some of the fabulous therapists we have worked with.
Above all be kind to yourself and each other. Try to ensure that Meera’s day holds as much positive interaction and experience as possible as this will help her to manage her more difficult feelings that she is having.
All names have been changed to protect individuals’ identities
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